Teams That Can Be Allowed To Use The Title “World Champions”

I can’t stand the term “World Champions” for Super Bowl winners. I tweeted as much after Jim Harbaugh’s petulant hissy fit the Ravens hoisted the Lombardi. The game is played by club teams playing only in America (and Toronto, if you count the Bills as an NFL franchise). Nearly all the players come from America or American territories. Dubbing the victors “World Champs” is basically a manifestation of this map.

Instead, I propose a list of teams and organizations that can be properly dubbed “World Champs,” as well as a criteria for further selection:

1) League/tournament is international (i.e, not the English Premiership – foreign players playing for the English title doesn’t count. Sorry Mr. Dempsey).

2) Team competes primarily against global opposition.

3) Cannot be named North Korea or Lance Armstrong.

So, here’s the initial list. Add more as you see fit.

FIFA World Cup Champions: Obvious inclusion is obvious

UEFA Champions League Champions: Club teams, but they’re not limited to playing their own national league. Subject to verification of match-fixing.

FIBA World Cup Champions: Apparently basketball has one too?

ICC Cricket World Cup Champions: Okay, one more rule: if your tournament is named “World Cup,” you’re probably okay.

World Baseball Classic Champions: You’re welcome, Japan.

Little League World Series Champions: Minor rant: I’ve never seen a Saudi kid on the Saudi Arabian team. Can’t they be renamed AramCo?

Olympic Medal Count Winners: Except North Korea. Because the 3,000 Gold’s, 2,175 Silver’s and 3 Bronze medals didn’t actually happen. Also wary of automatically including China, without receipt of female gymnasts birth certificates.

America: Back-to-back World War champs. Three-peat, for those of you adding the Cold War.

How To Remake The “Red Dawn” Remake

Almost 3 years ago a remake of the jingoistic classic movie “Red Dawn” was announced. MGM’s financial difficulties – and a complete change in the movie’s villains to appease the Chinese market – pushed the film’s release all the way back to Thanksgiving 2012. (Or so it stands right now. Maybe Kim Jong-un will open up the DPRK in the next 3 months, I don’t know).

Without overanalyzing the trailer, let’s hit the high (low?) points: 1) Why would you take out CENTCOM to invade the continental United States; 2) Hey Adrianne Palicki! Any word from Riggins or is he still at sea playing board games?

It’s clear MGM is just putting on it’s best Bill O’Reilly “FUCK IT!” face and banking on the film’s absurdity. But could it be more ridiculous – and by extension, better? Yes. Yes it could. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Red Dawn: The Avengers.

Hemsworth reveals himself as Thor halfway through the movie. Finding the DPRK’s forces too overwhelming to deal with singlehandedly, (shut up, just go with this) Captain America shows up. The Wolverines are heartened by the arrival of a real American hero and victory is assured, but…

SMASH-CUT TO: An advancing force of North Korean armor, augmented by multiple Iron Man suits. Tony Stark, kidnapped by Kim Jong-un’s own two hands, looks on in horror as his technology is used against his country. Also, JARVIS now speaks Korean. (We can get Paul Bettany to take language classes).

Hulk, Bourne Junior Ryan Lochte Hawkeye and Black Widow show up, determined to rescue Stark. Stark, never content to just sit around and let a movie not focus around him, is covertly creating a new, better Iron Man suit right under Kim Jong-un’s nose. In the process, the reassembled Avengers fight off the Red threat and the Wolverines go back to playing Call of Duty.

Now, that might seem convoluted and completely absurd. It is. It took about 10 minutes to write, but that’s actually double the time it took to write the actual remake. (Asian communists invade; recently returned veteran with a little brother leads young resistance; some resistance fighters are babes; victory; end).

And if this isn’t enough to whet MGM’s appetite, they could just re-boot the franchise around War Plan Red. “Red Dawn: Border Patrol. Coming July 2013 2014 2015 Straight to YouTube.”